i am tired of thinking about money.

Steve Jobs and the poverty capital of the world.

I spent my day reading “Make Something Wonderful” on the Steve Jobs archive website. It’s a collection of speeches, emails, and other sorts of correspondence that Jobs sent/created throughout his lifetime. Divided into various sections, it tells the story of his life and his work (they are the same thing, really). Through it all, you see a man who was clear about what he wanted to do – build products that were impactful, and beautiful.

But something else struck me about his life – an insistence on following his intuition and “stumbling” on to his purpose. It struck me because recently, during a performance review, I told my boss about how I needed more money because I was stressed out by all the needs in my life. It’s a valid viewpoint, but it has shaped my life and creative output in recent times. I have been operating from a scarcity/survival mindset because life has gotten so grown and adult and I am weighed down by all these responsibilities and bills. And as I keep getting distracted by these must-dos, curiosity has eluded me.

I guess it’s not just a me thing though. My country is the poverty capital of the world, so everyone around me is doing the same thing. All the good tech products here revolve around money. Apps to process payments, apps for those in the diaspora to send money back to their (struggling) loved ones, apps to save money, to invest in stocks – to escape poverty. It’s what dominates our conversations on and offline. Everywhere I turn, people are trying to survive, just like me. Everyday, I feel weighed down by this place. Comparison is the thief of joy, but there was no joy to begin with.

I have no real aims with this, I just wanted to talk about the emotions I have felt today. I felt some happiness too, because it’s the first time in a really long time that I have read for significant stretches of time (hoursss). It’s also day 7 of my gardening break and my mind feels clearer than it has in a long time. I rarely stuttered this week, responded to (most) messages on time, and entered the weekend with no outstanding work tasks. I feel good for sticking with it. A round of applause for Oluchuks everyone!

I don’t know if I can keep it up though, because I am easily irritable and stressed out when sober and I prefer my calm self. I guess we’ll find a balance. I also dyed my hair and got a retwist yesterday. I was going for a bright ginger, but it came out darker – a deep brown. Eli says it looks cool, but I don’t know. I don’t know.

I hope you all had great weekends, and I hope the new week is good for you. I am going to try to sit still and find moments where my actions aren’t motivated too much by loans and repayments and work and escaping poverty.

Goodnight <3