Overextensions/Exit Doors

conversations over tems and blick bassy.

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Ujàh

, as is typical of this medium account.

So, what’s on your mind?

Tems.

Terms of what?

No, Tems. The musician.

Oh, why?

I have been listening to her a lot recently. She doesn’t enunciate her words properly, you know? It’s fascinating. Also reminds me of myself.

How so?

I never communicate fully — I just blank out halfway into the sentence. When this happens during texts, I just put a hyphen or dash. Sometimes I spice it up with an “I don’t know.”

Why do you think this happens?

I don’t know (laughs). Jokes aside, I start talking without thinking a lot of the time. My mouth is faster than my tongue, so to speak.

I see. What else do you wan-

There’s a Tems lyric I have been humming the past few days. It goes like this: “if the world was ending, would you cry or would you try to get me?”

Okay…Why is that particular verse on your mind? Is there perhaps someone you would like to tell that to?

It’s very catchy, the way it’s sung. Also yes, I would like to ask that question to a woman.

I see. The last time you were here, you talked about being in love with all the beautiful women in the world. Is that still true?

No.

Oh?

Yeah, I’m in love with just five women now.

Interesting. What changed?

I got tired. It’s draining feeling all these things for all these people. I decided to stop deceiving myself.

So, you don’t think you’re “deceiving” yourself with these five?

Maybe I am. My friend, Mino, doesn’t think I have ever been in love. He says that it’s too consuming an emotion for me to genuinely feel for several people at once.

And do you agree with Mino?

Lately, yes. I have been reading Rumi’s poems and if his descriptions of love are true, then — I am not so sure. You definitely can’t share those emotions with several people.

Rumi doesn’t have to be the standard. Our interpretations of love as humans will always differ. You have to remember that.

Oh, I know, I know. But there’s something missing. Most people talk about knowing — a solid assurance in their hearts as evidence of love. Have you ever been in love?

Yes.

So you know what I am talking about?

I think so. Why do-

How were your lovers? Did you have fun? Did they love you back? Are you still-

My love life isn’t why we’re here. Tell me about these five.

Oh yeah. They’re smart, sweet, sexy — you get the point. Great babes.

Sounds like you hit the jackpot.

I did. I almost always do. I am usually the disappointment.

Why do you say so?

I am too scared, too caught up in my own head. I never give myself completely. I keep holding back — always ready to dash out through the exit door — always keeping the exit door open.

Why do you think this happens?

I don’t know. I don’t know why I am scared. It’s not like I’ve been unlucky in my relationships. I just don’t know how to give of myself, to give myself.

So these women are distractions?

What do you mean?

It seems like women are your exit doors. You overextend yourself by entering into multiple relationships/flings/situationships, which in turn render you incapable of loving and committing as you want.

I think you’re right. Actually, I don’t think; I know. At least that’s one thing I’m sure of.

Honestly, that doesn’t sound fun.

It isn’t. It’s hell, actually.

So why don’t you stop?

I don’t know.

Try?

I don’t know how to.

I meant *try* to explain.

I know.