the emotion i have felt the most in the past four, five months is frustration. everything that can go wrong has gone wrong and i am so frustrated. my life has felt like pouring water in a basket.
when i was a kid, my mother used to call me lazy a lot. and anytime i failed a test or scored low marks on an exam, laziness was the culprit.
but i haven’t been lazy this year. i have tried. i have put in work to better myself, to change my station and i am still in the same place.
the joys are few and every step forward is followed by ten steps backwards. no, scratch that – i am not stepping backwards, i am tumbling back, rolling down the stairs, with my goals disappearing slowly with each crash.
i don’t know what to do about the frustration i feel. it’s so rabid, so insistent on consuming me. i try to hide it but the sighs are loud, my shoulders slump without any intention.
just two weeks without problems. two weeks where it doesn’t feel like the world is a collapsing building and i am stuck, leg trapped under a crushed wall, or table, or – roof.
it’ll probably never happen though. everyone says i should be positive, and should be cheerful, and should look for silver linings.
but i have fucking arthritis at 24. when i wake up, the pain in my knees forces me to tears. my youth, my physical health, my ability to move – which is the one thing i had left, the one thing that seemed like a sign that maybe things will get better. because i could move without worrying, i could kick a ball, and jump when something funny happened.
when there’s life, there’s hope. but i don’t feel alive anymore. my ‘life’ is held up by painkillers and hot water therapy. i curl up in a ball fighting the urge to scream, and bite my lip to hide the pain once we’re on the second game of FIFA.
“i’m so sorry you’re going through this Oluchukwu” “how can i help?”
i don’t know, how about you kill me and end my misery? i am sick of being the person everyone says sorry to. i’m tired of being the one who’s receiving advice.
oh, you should buy compression socks. don’t forget to eat, not because you enjoy it, but because you need food to take your meds. oh, please take morning walks like a fucking dog.
don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t put stress on it, don’t eat this, don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t
i don’t know why i started writing this. i know i said i wouldn’t post here anymore but i am so tired of rules and shoulds and don’ts so i am going to break anyone i can.
can i have that? please?