when it’s cold, i’d like to die.

conversations over moby.

I decided to write a list of things that were good enough to make me keep on living. An anti-suicide list, if you will.

What did you come up with?

Music. Food. Sex.

I see.

What if it’s not enough?

What?

After all the steps I take to get ‘better’, what if I’m not enough? What if they’re not enough for me?

You have to try, you can’t sink before you’ve even touched the water.

I know, but I worry. I worry a lot.

Worrying is normal, shows you’re human.

That’s the problem, you know? Being human. I hate it so much.

Why?

Too many rules. Too many decisions.

Hm.

We have all the right words, you know? We know how to categorise our problems and list out ways to solve them.

I-

We know what it means to be emotionally intelligent’, we’re ‘good listeners’ but most times, it’s all talk. At the end of the day, the truth is not as bearable as we think.

And what is the truth?

That it’s so hard and scary because humans are complex, and no matter how hard we try to trust and love and understand and take care of, it might not be enough. We might not be enough. How do you deal with that?

What do you want?

To die. To cease to exist, someway, somehow.

Why?

Like I said, too many rules, too many decisions.

What happens till you die? What happens while you can’t?

I don’t know, that’s why I am here. You tell me how to fix my life.

It doesn’t work like that.

I know. I just wish it did.